and when I look in the mirror, with chopped hair and shitty teeth, is the son you wish you had looking back at me? or do you fill with disgust; seeing what has become of your once beloved daughter.

over years we've grown distant, and you now know nothing of my life. I wonder if we look at my baby photos at the same time ever. I see the happiness there was in my bright eyes, and the way the sun reflects my golden hair.

Much has changed since I was little, not only physically but in the way we speak to eachother. Every night spent at your house, it's as if two strangers moved in together. Could I ever fix this, and talk to you? would you even recognize my voice?

Arguably the most skipped muscles to be worked out are in your legs,

so much so there's hundreds of the same memes,

all about guys with big arms and chicken sized legs.

I feel the same way about it, even as a girl.

It's not because it hurts to squat,

nor that I'm incapable of a leg press.

It's the weakness that lingers afterwards.

It reminds me of the sharp pain that ran though my thighs after that night,

where I feel they'll crumble under the weight they've carried for years.

it's the weight of something like that,

that affects more than your knees,

and more than your mind.

I've picked my god and prayed to it each night, never committed sins too unredeemable as to never upset her, and I'd sacrifice my body as Jesus did for I am a lamb. Let the blood stain my pure wool and soul, just as long as I'm held by you in my last moments

While standing in my kitchen, mindlessly putting together one of those pizza Lunchables,

My phone buzzed; it was my aunt.

"I'm here"

Quickly without a second thought, I put on my old tennis shoes and clobbered down the steps,

The dogs were barking loud enough to break glass.

I screamed at the top of my lungs to shut them up, (it didn't work),

and pushed through the door, greeted by her and the bag I forgot.

Just a quick look and it was easy to tell, I thanked her but couldn't help but ask,

'are you okay?'

Quickly her eyes darted away from mine and filled with tears, she didn't have to say anything.

I hugged her, pushing my bag away, nothing inside would ever be as valuable as her.

With held back tears she buried herself into me, trying to be quiet.

A few moments of silence, and I pulled away asking what happened,

She just said her husband's, my uncle's name,

my favorite uncle.

I don't know why, but I've never been able to see him in any negative light,

He was my favorite uncle, the one who could do no wrong,

Until now at least.

Seeing her, so choked up over what I assume could only be an argument,

I feel different about him now.

Blood may run thicker than water,

but love,

love will always be stronger.

I can't help but wonder why,

why everything is so easy to blab on and on and on about,

I could tell you about the boy who I held close enough to be my brother

tell you how his body looked in that hospital bed and coffin,

the way my mother's voice cracked talking about the way she was treated by her mom,

but I could never bring myself to name the boy who raped me.

maybe some things are better off unsaid.

Made in a dream,

were you made just for me?

if I could only keep,

your love, for eternity.

To Vermillion -

daring, dearest, dead.

'The weak die first,' but you were the strongest person I knew.

I waited for weeks to hear from you after that phone call,

for a while, I texted you each day, asking for advice and ranting about the things I loved,

I learned to speak from you. you were never shy, speaking everything that came to thought.

and I'd be lying, if I said I remembered your voice, and I don't think

that's something I could forgive myself for,

atleast I still remember your face.

I wonder, if in that dreaded hospital bed, if you thought of all our times together.

Like brother, like sister.

I chased you up a tree, as a dog does a squirrel,

that was the first time I'd ever climbed a tree, though you had to help me down.

It was also the day, you and dad nicknamed me puppy.

I still call you wormy in my mind, but slowly your memory fades. It's been almost 2 years now.

But, anyways, write back when you see this okay?

PS. your sister says she misses you.

Looking through your eyes was like seeing the same pain in mine,

every ounce of being treated unfairly by your mother, mirrored by my dad.

Tedious siblings cracking the glass in your soul,

the clock echoing as blood ran down your arms.

I was honest when I said I wanted to help,

and by the way you cried in my arms, on my parent's couch that night,

it seems I accomplished that, eased just a bit of your pain.

It has been many months since then.

Countless arguments and hateful comments soon took over what bond was there,

'You love me too much,' or 'I hate you'

I hope I didn't hurt you more than what I tried to heal,

but staring at the notifications each night,

'Think about her,'

'Put her stuff in boxes'

'Think about her'

'Give her jacket back'

'Think about her'

did you forget we shared a calendar?

-Ps, I hate you too.

and I said to my body -- myself, softly, 'I want to be your friend.' It took a long deep breath, now being able to without pressure laying heavy on it's chest, and replied, 'I have been waiting my whole life for this.'

grilled cheese